Written by Mancala
A few nights ago, my deck of cards sent me into an emotional spiral. I noticed that the king and queen have the same colors on their headwear; their patterns are also quite similar but not entirely the same. I feel like this is to show individualism, they are united but not the same. Their bond is shown through their similarities. This is true for the spades, clubs and diamonds. Their kings and queens clearly support each other. The hearts though aren’t similar at all. The patterns are not similar and not even the colors are the same. The hearts, of all suits, are where the king and the queen are not at all bonded, not at all in sync and actually completely different individuals. This was utterly heartbreaking for me. The hearts were broken.
Expectation is the cause of heartbreak and conformity will kill your happiness, eventually you will just end up losing yourself. Going on this trip, I tried to let go of all my expectations. I did not want to experience the heartache that follows having expectations. When I let go of all of my expectations, I felt peaceful, at ease. The kind of peace that comes to you when you know you cannot be hurt. However, in the process of letting go of my expectations, I was letting go of myself. I wasn’t setting boundaries. I wasn’t letting myself be excited. I wasn’t doing anything. I had this mindset that if I don’t excite myself, I won’t be disappointed. If I don’t set boundaries, they can’t be broken. And what is for me will come to me with ease, even if i don’t put in any effort. Conformity will always be easier than being authentic and I fell into that trap in order to not be heartbroken. I confused conformity as relationship building. I confused vulnerability as pain. The stupid deck of standard Bicycle playing cards had made me reflect on myself. And that made me sad, sad in front of my group that has known me for my laughter.
We are at the halfway point of our trip. We have seen each other in vulnerable positions, whether that’s dealing with altitude sickness or standing guard for someone while they go potty outside. These are the kind of vulnerabilities that you can prepare yourself for; these are the kind of vulnerabilities you can expect. Heartache was not something I was prepared for nor something I expected. True vulnerability cannot be prepared for. I felt like being sad in Bolivia is a waste of time. I’m in Bolivia having the best days of my entire life! I’m getting to experience things I will probably never get to experience again, why waste my time feeling not the happiest ever? I know that not experiencing your emotions is bad so I would make a deal with my emotions. I couldn’t be sad about something big. So the first time I cried it was about the face card lore Cam, Rory and I came up with.
Unfortunately though it’s never that simple. I cried in the arms of my mortal enemy (Cam) over a deck of cards, but it wasn’t the deck of cards, it was me. I haven’t been being my most authentic self out of fear of judgement. I haven’t been myself and I could feel my true self slipping away in order to “fit in.” But, I am allowed to be emotionally vulnerable. I am allowed to set up boundaries and I am allowed to be loved. I am allowed to be different, just like my king of hearts, and that difference doesn’t actually make a difference because like my king of hearts and I will be loved regardless.
I’ve learned that this program isn’t about fitting in; we are travelers, observers and learners. We are here to learn. Learn about ourselves, the country, the people and the land. My experience here is about me. By not being my authentic self, I am doing myself and everyone I meet here a disservice. Each of our individual experiences will tell the story of our travel. And how will I be able to share my story if it’s not coming from a place of authenticity? I know now that there is so much beauty is being your authentic self. Just like how there is so much beauty in my deck of cards. Some suits showing the importance of togetherness and the suit of hearts showing that you can be different and still have a community who will support you just the same. These not-so-stupid deck of cards have showed me that being your true self might send some people into tears, but more importantly that you will be loved and the only way to truly be loved is to be you.